The Ballerina Farm article sounds like the plot of a bad movie. Some billionaire’s son out to control and contort a beautiful woman to exist exactly in ways of his choosing. But it’s real life.
And it reminds me of my ex. Recently, I hung out with him. It was our third time seeing each other since our breakup nine months ago, and this time, he put on the hard press for some no-strings-attached hookin’ up.
I can’t say I wasn’t interested. It has been since our last time that I’ve gotten laid and your girl does feel a little desperate occasionally.
But not that desperate. Or mainly, my therapist convinced me that there’s no way I could have no-strings-attached sex with him. She’s right — I get a little out of control around him. Like emotionally, I lose a lot of…myself, really. Being in his orbit is generally entirely about what he wants. Sure, I can contribute to things like the pizza order, but when it came to meaningful choices about our lives, he was the decider. While he’d often tell me he wanted to know what I wanted or needed, my experience was that if that was something different than what he wanted, it wasn’t really a discussion. Our conversations in those moments were not collaborative like I’d want conversations with my partner to be. I’d tell him what I wanted and he’d tell me why that was wrong until I’d capitulate.
Fun times.
So, like I said, we’re hanging out. I’m at his house, after dark. My fault. And I knew better, but he kind of suckered me into staying later than I’d planned by asking me for advice. You know me so well, he said. Catnip. Then he wants just a hug. One more. Another. How about a kiss.
I say no. Every time. He keeps asking. Until I give in. Wear out. Give it up to him — just the kiss, to be clear. I had made up my mind that anything more would be a very bad idea and when we kissed, and it did not feel good, I knew my instinct on this was right. I got out of there.
But was the point that he wanted to fuck me or that he wanted to win? In retrospect, and watching this take on the Ballerina Farm article on TikTok, I wonder if it wasn’t the latter. The cruelty, the control, the winning is the point, more than anything else.
TikTok has radicalized me (in more ways than one). I am grateful for it because I see now how many men are very comfortable lying and manipulating and think it’s justified in order to get what they want. I think that’s what this TikTok creator was talking about with Ballerina Farm guy. He doesn’t want a live human woman with her own ideas, desires, and goals. He wants only exactly his vision of the perfect wife and he wants to play with her like a doll. He’s lucky — there clearly is a fair amount of overlap in their goals, which is what keeps her around, right? I’m sure she does want the family, and the farm, and the Instagram followers. The bits of what I wanted are part of what kept me with my ex for so long. I got a lot of what I did want. Sex being one of those things. And it was hard to turn down the comfort and familiarity of going back to that. Let alone the rest of it.
But it’s not enough. If he would ignore me and manipulate me after I’d told him explicitly that I was not comfortable with being sexually or romantically involved again, how could I ever trust this man?
The cruelty is the point. He must push until he wins or is ejected from the game.
I still want to go back there sometimes. That certainty is intoxicating to be around. But I know now that I cannot hear myself around him. It’s a shame. And it’s also fine, because I know there is someone out there who will truly hear me, who will give me the space and room to hear myself. I trust that I will find that. I already have that in my friends, my family, my counselors, mentors, even strangers, at times. I trust I can find a partner I can relate to like that — or I’d rather just not have one.
I’m learning. It’s hard. But it’s feeling good at the same time. Writing about this feels good. I haven’t done any personal, public writing in a very long time. So thank you for reading. If I’ve shared this, I’m taking a risk. But if it happens to resonate with another person and help them, then I’m grateful for that. And I’m hopeful it will — if for no one else, than perhaps a past version of myself. I love her and I love me today and the me that I will become.
And this was all part of it.
Onward.